You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
We need to get me chipped asap
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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