you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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