sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
