Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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