I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
