Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
