well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
