She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
