in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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