You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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