I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
