Swine flu. Run for my life!
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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