Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
