Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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