Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
