Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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