You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
