When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Randomize
