Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
