she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
