I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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