You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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