I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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