thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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