You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
