i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
