Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
