theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
