is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
