I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
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No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
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