Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
