i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
