i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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