I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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