My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
