My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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