Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
