They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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