Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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