That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
