yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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