she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
