Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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