are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
