i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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