people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
