I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Even my vagina gasped.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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