Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
