someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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