my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
